The Right Thing, For For The Wrong Reasons

Apparently I need to re-read Exodus, because in my memory's version it goes like this:  Moses is asked to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land.  He is a chicken, but eventually accepts God's plan for him, and leads them quickly and painlessly and they live happily ever after.  The End.

So foolish, I was, to think that by announcing this blog my marriage would somehow become an historical example of how we dealt with ADD, but are now past it and I could just kind of recount my brilliant techniques to all of you still suffering.

Here's what really happened.  Immediately after the initial 'rush' of My Family Has ADD, things got much worse.  Something that has terrified me started to happen, and I couldn't even write until now.  During the hard times, I have always relied on hope.  Hope that things would get better, hope that God was listening to my husband's ridiculousness and cut through the constant chatter of ADD with His Word: 

Cherish your wife.  Stop yelling at her.  Stop expecting her to fix what you break.  Stop depending on her for every grown up, responsible aspect of your married life.  See how hard she tries to respond to you - to what you need; what you request.  What you want.  Listen to her defend you; hear her attempts to edify you. 

Or more accurately, my words trying their best to sound like what I imagine His voice would sound like saying them.

Anyone who knows us "in real life" can see that my husband and I love each other.  What they can't see is that I am losing hope.  When, God?? When will he go and get the treatment he says he knows he needs?  When will he see what he is doing to his kids?? And to me? WHEN? 

Maybe my hope was a barrier to You.  Maybe my hope was not in You, but in my husband.  Please help me to re-direct it to you, and please help anyone reading to do the same.  Because You know what, God? I sometimes convince myself to stop listening to the world that tells me there is no hope for people with ADD.  That 50% of normal marriages dissolve; but is almost 100% when ADD is present? (According to Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder which I own and refer to.  Frequently.)

Sometimes, God, I make the choice to stay with my husband not for You, but for my kids.  I know that's not the right reason, but as their mother I feel like they need me more than You do.  I will say Hail Marys and Our Fathers all day in penance for that, but I did need to get that off my chest.

Am I strong enough??? I really don't know.  I know I can do all things with You who strengthen me.  And not to lean into my own understanding.  And to put my hope in You.  I know these things.  But for now, I am wandering around, forgetting the promises You made to me, scared of the unknown.