The Right Thing, For For The Wrong Reasons

Apparently I need to re-read Exodus, because in my memory's version it goes like this:  Moses is asked to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land.  He is a chicken, but eventually accepts God's plan for him, and leads them quickly and painlessly and they live happily ever after.  The End.

So foolish, I was, to think that by announcing this blog my marriage would somehow become an historical example of how we dealt with ADD, but are now past it and I could just kind of recount my brilliant techniques to all of you still suffering.

Here's what really happened.  Immediately after the initial 'rush' of My Family Has ADD, things got much worse.  Something that has terrified me started to happen, and I couldn't even write until now.  During the hard times, I have always relied on hope.  Hope that things would get better, hope that God was listening to my husband's ridiculousness and cut through the constant chatter of ADD with His Word: 

Cherish your wife.  Stop yelling at her.  Stop expecting her to fix what you break.  Stop depending on her for every grown up, responsible aspect of your married life.  See how hard she tries to respond to you - to what you need; what you request.  What you want.  Listen to her defend you; hear her attempts to edify you. 

Or more accurately, my words trying their best to sound like what I imagine His voice would sound like saying them.

Anyone who knows us "in real life" can see that my husband and I love each other.  What they can't see is that I am losing hope.  When, God?? When will he go and get the treatment he says he knows he needs?  When will he see what he is doing to his kids?? And to me? WHEN? 

Maybe my hope was a barrier to You.  Maybe my hope was not in You, but in my husband.  Please help me to re-direct it to you, and please help anyone reading to do the same.  Because You know what, God? I sometimes convince myself to stop listening to the world that tells me there is no hope for people with ADD.  That 50% of normal marriages dissolve; but is almost 100% when ADD is present? (According to Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder which I own and refer to.  Frequently.)

Sometimes, God, I make the choice to stay with my husband not for You, but for my kids.  I know that's not the right reason, but as their mother I feel like they need me more than You do.  I will say Hail Marys and Our Fathers all day in penance for that, but I did need to get that off my chest.

Am I strong enough??? I really don't know.  I know I can do all things with You who strengthen me.  And not to lean into my own understanding.  And to put my hope in You.  I know these things.  But for now, I am wandering around, forgetting the promises You made to me, scared of the unknown. 

It must be easy for you

I'm so encouraged and thankful for all of your responses to the launch of this blog! I am not used to using this blogging platform and had no idea there were comments until today, so my apologies for not responding to all of your kind words.  I have ideas, and suggestions, and what has worked for me but certainly but I want everyone who feels like they have something to share that this is the place for it. 

I am a very organized person by nature.  I am most comfortable with a schedule and a routine and things in their place.  It took me a long time to understand that my husband's complete lack of organization wasn't a  just a choice he was making.  And he didn't understand that although it is part of my nature, it still takes work; it's just work I think is worth doing.

He thought for a long time that it was easy for me.  Effortless, even.  So we had one person working very hard and swimming up stream trying to organize everything, and one person who, because of a condition called ADD, dis-organizing everything.  We were forces working in opposition.


You know that friend? The one who weighs 107 pounds and thinks she is fat when she weighs 110? So she wiggles her nose, says, “Fat no more!” and her pants are suddenly so baggy she has to buy a belt? You hate her a little, don’t’ you? It’s so easy for her. You cannot see any effort in what she has done. You definitely don’t feel like being supportive while she goes belt shopping, do you? You feel, as my friends from the south say, like you are “fixin’ to git un-saved”. When she tells you “you can do it too!”, doesn’t it make you angry? She just doesn’t understand how hard it is for everyone else. How hard it is for you.

That’s how your husband feels. It looks easy. Even if you have put effort into it; he can’t see what you did to make it happen. He can’t see the effort, he can’t understand it, he thinks you just wiggle your nose, and poof! It happens.

There is a laziness that is learned from that. If you failed over and over in a world that looks so easy for other people, you learn to give up before you even try. Every ADD book says people with ADD aren’t lazy. I’m here to tell you that ADD can be so discouraging, and their brains are so in need of external stimulation that yes, they can be lazy. But pointing that out to your husband is not helpful. Back up and read that again.

You have to forgive. Think of all the times you probably piss God off in one day. You aren’t forgiven once and for all. You know that, right? You’re saved once and for all, but you have to be forgiven over and over, sometimes for sins one stupider than the next. If you forgave your husband half as much as God forgave you, you’d be in the top 1% of amazing wives.

I am not in the top 1% of amazing wives, by the way.  But I have the desire to be. 

My Family Has ADD

Well, hi there.  Welcome to my family.  We have ADD.  Actually, just my husband has it but like any other chronic illness, or mental disorder, or dysfunction, or behavioral problem, or disability (all of which ADD has been called), the entire family has it.  So the entire family has to deal with it.

I have read book after book after article after blog post about living with ADD.  The advice ranges from "Embrace it! You are lucky to have such a creative husband!" to "Divorce him.  He will never change. He can't".

Both are equally discouraging.  It's impossible to embrace it.  It's freakin' ADD - it's like embracing an amoeba.  And the divorce thing? Of course I have thought of it, but I don't want to.  I love my husband very deeply.  I don't want to divorce him.  He is who he is, and together we can deal with it.  With God's help; which is frustratingly sparse when it comes to this matter. 

So "My Family Has ADD" is born.  It's for wives whose husbands have ADD, and have faith in God.  Because no one else gets it.